Get Your Shit Together

A and I were having lunch that day in the window seat. This is not surprising, because not once in our history of eating at this mediocre little Thai joint had we ever not been sat in a window seat. It’s weird they’d be so meticulous about the seating and so unmeticulously about the free hot and sour soup and cream puff, which was more like half the time.

Anyways. A was telling me about the “envelope system”. Unfortunately, I don’t remember exactly what he said, but since then I’ve stolen the key points of his speech and worked it up into my own little spiel, which goes like this:

“I’m onto envelopes. Every week, when I get my paycheck, I cash it, take it home, and stuff money into various envelopes – one for groceries, one for rent, one for clothes, etc..”

“Well, yeah, I used to be pretty bad with cash too. But now it’s pretty straightforward. If I put $100 bucks in my wallet every Saturday, I can spend it however I want – but once it’s gone, it’s gone. No going to the ATM for more. It’s hard to be reckless with cash when you don’t use ATMs.”

“There are other things about debit cards that I don’t really like. It’s easy to just be out, throw your debit card on the table, and never think about money. And so it used to be, I’d be out, and get hungry, and go to a restaurant, and order what looked good. Then when the bill for $7-$10 bucks comes, you just hand them your debit card and forget it about. Because, come on, what’s 10 bucks? It’s painless. But to go to the grocery store and drop $100 bucks on food for the week HURTS – debit or cash or whatever. And it doesn’t make sense right? Because in the long run, I’d save a ton of money just going grocery shopping, not to mention I’d eat way better and healthier.”

“So really, envelopes helped me find a budget that didn’t make me feel guilty about spending money when I ought to, and made me more aware of when I was spending money that I shouldn’t. Because you can torch through whatever’s in that envelope, but when it’s empty, it’s empty. And really, since I’m not nickel-and-diming myself with convenience stuff, I’m buying a ton of cool shit – new guitars, lots of clothes, money for travel, and I’m even saving. I have a fucking Roth IRA for retirement!”

“But there’s another part to it too, and it’s a bit more philosophical. So, ok, I’m working at this job. I enjoy the work enough, but let’s face it, I wouldn’t be there if they weren’t paying me. That’s like a quarter of my life gone, every week. So when I say, ‘Oh, I’ve got $400, maybe $500 in my checking account’; when I spend my money whenever on whatever, I’m sort of disrespecting myself. A quarter of my life gone, and I don’t even know where all that effort is ending up? But when you cash that check, man, and hold those $20s in your hand, it’s like you’re holding your life in your hand. It’s indescribable.”

“Plus, there are all sorts of little cool things about cash. The big one for me is never, ever, having to worry about my plastic being declined. I usually leave $100 or so in my checking account just in case, but I always pay in cash, and everyone takes cash. And you ever return something you bought with debit card? Ok, wait a week, they’ll call you and give you store credit. But with cash, you just hand them the receipt and they hand you the cash back. And man, rent. I used to hate having that last paycheck of the month just disappear to rent. Even though I make decent money now, I was still suddenly broke for one week a month. But if you divide it up over each paycheck, you never even notice it.”

Ok, so that’s the spiel. Thanks A, for not minding my egregious theft. Ok, so now for a breakdown of how it all works. Once per week, I have like a four-hour window to make it to the bank on Saturday before it closes. And I get a big stack of cash, mostly $50s and $20s, but also some smaller bills to round it out. Then I go home and get my bank.

First I count up everything that’s in each of the envelopes, including my wallet (“Walkin’ Around”) and my bank accounts. BTW, ING Direct offers a 3% APY savings account, which is really freaking good, better than most CDs at other banks.

So then I go through and decide how much money to add to each envelope. Stuff like groceries, I just add whatever it takes to get me up to $100, and stuff like rent is just a flat amount each week. Whatever cash is left over goes into the “Blow” envelope in the back. Once this hits a certain amount, I put it into my Bank of America account. Every so often I transfer everything but $100 in my BoA account to my ING account. I keep a grand in there for emergencies; everything over that goes to my retirement fund. Then at the end, I have tally it all up, and figure out my liquid worth, which is really cool.

Then during the week, if I feel bored or sad, I just grab my clothing envelope and hit up downtown, or my toys envelope and hit up Guitar Center. Eating out, bars, movies, etc all comes out of my wallet, and to be honest I occasionally have to re-up during the week from the blow fund. But I just know maybe I should give myself a bit more next week. And finally I can just stop worrying about money. I hate being in debt, I hate being broke, but really I don’t care about money – I just like what it buys. I like guitars, and buying my friends drinks, and eating like a fucking prince.